He had it coming
by T1gerCat
Summary: You really shouldn't watch vampire movies before you go to bed. Or musicals for that matter.


**He Had It Coming**

_And now, the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail in their rendition of the Cell Block Tango_

"Huh?"

Suddenly all around me six different very movie like cells appeared. In them were women I knew but they were out of place. They were dressed in the classic white and black stripy uniform like the Daltons but in a more high fashion sense. They were all staring at me like I killed someone they loved, and they began singing

_He had it coming_

_He had it coming_

_He only had himself to blame_

_If you'd have been there_

_If you'd have seen it_

_I betcha you would have done the same!_

They were dancing in their cells as if we were at a night club. Then the spotlights above the cells died and only one lit right above the one with Elena Gilbert from the Vampire Diaries

_You know how people_

_have these little habits_

_That get you down. Like Bernie._

_Bernie liked to chew gum._

_No, not chew. POP._

_So I came home this one day_

_And I am really irritated, and_

_looking for a little bit of sympathy_

_and there's Bernie lyin'_

_on the couch, drinkin' a beer_

_and chewin'. No, not chewin',_

_Poppin'. So, I said to him,_

_I said, "Bernie, you pop that_

_gum one more time..."_

_And he did._

_So I took the shotgun off the wall_

_and I fired two warning shots... _

_Into his head._

"What the..."

she sang about a Bernie? Who's Bernie? The spotlight above her cell turned off and one above the cell with Sookie Stackhouse from Tru Blood, turned on

_I met Ezekiel Young from_

_Salt Lake City about two years ago_

_and he told me he was single_

_and we hit it off right away._

_So, we started living together._

_He'd go to work, he'd come home, _

_I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner._

_And then I found out: _

_"Single" he told me. Single, my ass. _

_Not only was he married..._

_Oh, no, he had six wives._

_One of those Mormons, you know. _

_So that night when he came home from work, _

_I fixed him his drink, as usual._

_You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic._

She sang with her accent very prominent. I stood motionless blinking. Am I in the Twilight Zone? Her spotlight was off only to light on another girl. This time it was Mina from Dracula

_Now, I'm standing in the kitchen_

_carving up the chicken for dinner,_

_minding my own business._

_In storms my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage._

_"You been screwin' the milkman," he says. _

_He was crazy and he kept on screamin',_

_"You been screwin the milkman."_

_And then he ran into my knife._

_He ran into my knife ten times!_

Am I dreaming? I have to be, this doesn't make any sense! Next to be lit was Thea from 'Isle of the dead'

_My sister, Veronica and I had this double act,_

_and my husband, Charlie, travelled round with us._

_Now, for the last number in our act, _

_we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row._

_one, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles,_

_back flips, flip flops, one right after the other._

_So this one night before the show we're down at the Hotel Cicero,_

_the three of us, boozin', havin a few laughs and we ran out of ice._

_So I go out to get some._

_I come back, open the door, and there's Veronica and_

_Charlie doing Number Seventeen - the spread eagle._

_Well, I was in such a state of shock, _

_I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing. _

_It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands _

_I even knew they were dead._

When her spotlight turned off I took a step backwards only to feel the feel of cold metal on my back. I turned around fast and saw no-one else but myself. Well... my movies self anyway. Bella from 'Twilight'

_I loved Alvin Lipschitz more than I can possibly say._

_He was a real artistic guy...sensitive... a painter._

_But he was troubled._

_He was always trying to find himself._

_He'd go out every night_

_looking for himself and on the way_

_he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving._

_I guess you can say we broke_

_up because or artistic differences._

_He saw himself as alive_

_and I saw him dead._

I shook my head from side to side. This is insane!

Suddenly from each cell emerged through the bars the vampire in any sort of love quarrel with the caged female. They all stalked towards me while the women sang.

_You pop that gum one more time!_

_Single my ass._

_Ten times!_

_Number seventeen - the spread-eagle._

_Artistic differences._

_Pop_

_Six_

_Squish_

_Uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lipschitz_

I woke up with a scream worthy or making me the lead in Scream 5. I hastened to turn on the lights only to be faced with one DVD. 'Chicago'

Angrily I threw it across the room.

"I really need to lay off the vampire movies"

I muttered and turned on the tv for some good old fashioned Tom and Jerry. The cartoon not the ice-cream

**the end.**


End file.
